🧠 If Programming Languages Were Co-Workers (Crackhead Edition)

Let’s stop pretending and call it like it is:

Every programming language is just a co-worker with deeply unhinged vibes.

Here’s what it’s really like working with them:

🧃 JavaScript

Came into the office riding a scooter.

Wrote 400 lines of code at 2AM.

Now it runs… but no one knows why.

“Bro it worked on my machine. And my toaster.”

🐍 Python

Shows up in pajamas. Calm. Zen.

Solves everything in 3 lines and then takes a nap.

Still somehow gets promoted.

“It’s readable. It’s beautiful. It’s mine.”

👴 C++

Brings a typewriter to meetings.

Complains about everyone’s memory usage.

Builds rockets and crashes the printer at the same time.

“If you don’t malloc it yourself, do you even deserve it?”

🦀 Rust

Wrote a whole API. Then told you 97 reasons why it won’t compile.

Will not stop until everything is "safe" — including your posture and diet.

“Fix your lifetimes. And drink water.”

☕ Java

Has a 3-monitor setup and a chair that costs more than your rent.

Needs 18 files to print “Hello World.”

Explains everything like you’re an intern.

“We’ll just abstract that into a SingletonManagerFactoryModuleInterface.”

🕳️ PHP

Has no idea what’s going on but things work… somehow.

Legacy king. The codebase is haunted and so is their soul.

“Don’t ask why. Just don’t delete line 666.”

💻 Go

Talks like a startup founder.

Gives the same answer to everything: “Keep it simple.”

Won’t stop talking about goroutines.

“If it needs a class, it’s already too complex.”

☠️ Assembly

Communicates in numbers.

Sleeps upside down like a bat.

You only call them when everything’s on fire and leaking memory.

“01001000 01001001”

💬 Drop your favorite dev-lingo co-worker down below.

Or tag the language you’d never sit next to at lunch.

And yes, we're all judging JavaScript. Again.

Follow @aeonroamer.dev for more cursed dev thoughts, zero productivity, and maximum chaos 💻🔥